I Think This Is What She Meant.

The Economy and Me

Posted by Hansgonsolo | 5:58 AM | , , , , | 0 comments »

Earlier in the week, Monday and Tuesday to be exact, I spent most of my day watching the stock market on TV. Up until Monday, I thought Ron Paulson was the dry witted comedian from Laugh In. Now I know he's the dry witted comedian in charge of the US economy. I watched as the market went up, then down, then up, then down. Holding a bucket in front of me in case of emergency due to the motion sickness I was feeling, I watched in horror and fear. My heartbeat quickened, my hands began to sweat. Somewhere during the afternoon on Tuesday, my phone rang. Fear kept me frozen to the couch. I felt like Joaquin Phoenix watching the alien invasion in Signs. "Andale children, move, move" I shouted at the TV, ignoring the phone, as I watched the brokers panic around the market floor. The phone rang and rang, the once cool,now annoying, voice caller id feature announced that a company I had no idea of was calling. I ignored it, transfixed on what was happening on Wall St. The answering machine picked up and a womans voice spoke. Suddenly, my attention turned from the economy to the answering machine. I turned the volume down on the TV to better hear the answering machine. The voice was delicate, soft and sweet. Quite sexy and attractive actually. A little turned on, I listened intently as she offered to help pay down my high interest credit card bills. It was at that moment a beam of light shown through the window onto me, I was filled with a revelation.

I didn't need to be afraid, there was no reason for fear.

It was simple and I should have realized it sooner, I'm dead ass flat broke. I have no money invested in the stock market. At one time I did, but that was a 401k from a previous job and I lost that in my divorce. It's a daily struggle to keep my bank account from bouncing like a super ball. If it wasn't for Coinstar and loose change in my couch cushions I wouldn't be able to afford cigarettes. I have to use Coinstar because the uppity cashiers at the bank won't let me cash in my change anymore, something about coins caked with Dorito dust, lint and bubble gum. Bitches!. I don't own a home, I rent an apartment smaller than a good sized walk in closet and smells like an old shoe (that's probably the banks fault, I had to fire the maid to offset the cost of gas to drive to the Coinstar). I could write a cookbook of nothing but recipes for ramen noodles, theres ramen gumbo, ramen creole, ramen ettoufe, grilled ramen and fried ramen. You can come work for me Lieutenant Dan, when this is over I'm gonna get a Ramen boat, Bubba told me everything he know about catching ramen. Where was I? I have creditors calling me saying if the bills aren't paid that they will put negative information on my credit report. This one always amuses me, I can only imagine how much stuff is stapled onto the bottom of that report. Bankruptcy was an option. Right up until I found out it cost over a grand to go tits up. Which is funny, it takes me three days to scrounge enough money for smokes, it would take me over a year to scavenge the money to go bankrupt. Now this probably sounds bad and you might think I'm complaining and you may or may not feel bad for me. Don't cry for me Argentina. See I realized, that finally for once being completely and totally irresponsible has finally paid off. I don't own an inflatable mortgage I can't pay. I don't have tons of credit card debt, I do but you can't get blood from a stone. I don't have a $400 a month car payment. Basically, I have nothing to lose. I'm broke. I'm dirt poor. If the economy continues to crash it has no effect on me. You can get richer but it's hard to get poorer. Besides, the economic stimulus package is on schedule to clear everything up by the year 2019, so I have that going for me.
So if you are broke and poor like me, enjoy it. Roll around in it and rub it all over you.
Thank god for irresponsibility.

Zigged then shoulda Zagged

Posted by Hansgonsolo | 2:20 PM | 0 comments »

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church.




One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.







During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'




All the men stood up.


'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'




All the women stood up.


'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn ' t belong to them?'




Half the women stood up.


'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn ' t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY
cock?'




Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


The priest fainted.

If you laughed, I'll see you in hell. You bring the pizza and I'll bring the beer.

Looking through some old papers, I happened across an old phone number for an old girlfriend. I haven't seen her in years, if it was any other number I might have been curious as to what she was doing now and whether or not she was still hot, not this time. Upon seeing the name and number the first thing that came to mind was " I wonder if she's farted yet?". I dated the woman in question for over two years, not because there was love or she was a great human I couldn't live without, frankly she had a personality so bad Gandhi and Mother Theresa would have drawn straws to see who got to punch her. I stayed around her because one night about three months into the relationship, three months or so is usually the time when the new car smell wears off and you start to be yourself, your true self. Anyway, on that fateful night I forget what I had eaten that day but by the time we were ready to hit the sack, my stomach was making so much noise it sounded like the soundtrack for Wild Kingdom, I half expected Marlin Perkins to walk in any minute. I could feel the pressure building as we kissed each other good night and I rolled over on my stomach to go to sleep. The pressure shifted and out it came. It was powerful enough that I remember the sheer force lifted the sheets and comforter from my body. It sounded as if a plane had just broken the sound barrier in the room. It was the first time in the relationship that I had let go with a cracked rat and there was no dog around to blame. Instead of embarassment I was filled with a sense of pride. I began laughing like I was watching an autistic kid try to solve a Rubiks cube and turned my head to check what I was sure was my partners joy in being able to share this monumental moment. After all the relationships fart cherry had been finally broken, she had to be happy that I felt so comfortable around her.

Wrong.

The look on her face was of total disgust. It couldn't have been worse if I she had seen me lick a turd on a stick. Still giggling like a schoolgirl, I questioned her look. "What? Everybody farts." "It's disgusting,gross and childish. And I don't fart." The utter obsurdity of the that statement made me laugh even harder and the harder I laughed the more the remainig gas shifted and soon it started to release like machine gun fire. Thus making me laugh harder and fart more, it was a vicious cycle. She just looked at me, stared as I reveled in my flatulance. After a few minutes she left the room and spent the night sleeping on the couch. The next morning as we got ready for work, she didn't talk to me at all the same for the next two days. All in all the silence wasn't bad or unwelcome but eventually I realized she was in fact serious. She had never farted. Was this possible? My curiousity got the better of me and I broke down and tried to make amends. I apologized several times and eventually she bought it. With that I had my opening, I questioned her every chance I got. I had to know. I used my best interrogation technics, changed up the questions and did everything I could to trip her up. She never faltered, never changed her answer. At 28 years of age, she swore she had never farted. This was impossible, wasn't it? From the time leading up to my episode, I couldn't remember her even mentioning she felt bloated. No strange odors ever came from anywhere near her. It was odd but the more I looked into the facts, the more I came to believe that she had in fact never farted. It became my job, my goal, my mission to make her let one fly. For the next year and a half or so, everytime I cooked I would try to figure out a way to work cabbage, beans anything known to man that would cause gas. If we went out I would suggest Mexican restaurants. Fastfood is good for the gaseous build up, I ate so much Mcdonalds me and the clown are now on a first name basis. Through countless dinners I sat across from her waiting for her to extend an index finger in my direction and utter those magical words, "Pull it.". The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Such was the case. Nothing I did, nothing I tried even elicited an SBD. I tried and tried and tried, all I accomplished was giving myself more gas the Exxon Mobil. Eventually between her personality and my plans complete failure, I gave up. We parted ways and I never heard from her again. Never thought of her again, not until I found the number. With the whole saga now lodged firmly in my brain, I am half tempted to call the number but at the same time afraid to. There are only three possible endings that could come from calling it. She will have moved and there will be no answer or someone else will answer, either way there will be no resolution. Or she will answer and I will find out someone else got to be there for the maiden departure, which will cause serious self hate in myself for giving up on the plan. Or I will dial up the number and find out that after 30 years of methane building up she got too close to an open flame and blew up, killing three others in the process. At which point I will feel bad for never attending the funaeral and missing my chance to let others know this could have been avoided is she had only let one go. I think I will just assume the number has changed, the other alternatives are just to heartbreaking to imagine.

There's really not much I can add to this one, so let's see what you guys have to say. Here's the story, Police in Detroit were called to the scene of a botched strong armed robbery, that's a mugging in case you didn't know. Prior to the police arrival, a robber approached a 36 year old man and demand money. The victim then handed over his cash, $50. The robber then turned to flee with his ill gotten gains when the victim chased him down, tackled him and put him a choke hold. While holding the crook in the choke hold, the victim demanded his money back. The criminal handed over a fistful of cash and while the victim counted it, the crook got away. To the victims surprise, the would be robber handed over $80. The mugging made him a net profit of $30. The mugger got away. And you say crime doesn't pay.

This one is an easy target, I'm feeling lazy so you guys write this one up. Let's hear those comments.

A Cambodian couple recently finalized their divorce after 18 years of marriage. Divorce while not newsworthy in the US, unless your name is Britney Spears or Liz Taylor, we have nothing on this one. The husband, 42-year-old Moeun Sarim, and wife, 35-year-old Vat Navy (which navy,Vat Navy, Vat one over there)split over the husbands suspicions of his wife's infidelity with a local police officer. The wife denies any infidelity and says that the husband suggested they get divorced and she said "Let's get divorced."(apparently a very sound marriage to begin with). As with most divorces, the couple split the marital assets, only in this case it was literal. Upon finalization of the divorce, the husband along with several relatives showed up at the house the two shared. Armed with saws, hammers and other tools, the husband took his half of the house. Sawed down the middle and carted off to his parents home, piece by piece. His wife's half still stands where it was, although a little more drafty than when the couple resided there together.
Remember this the next time you think of calling it quits on your marriage, when you split the assets you could end up splitting the assets, right down the middle.

My morning ritual consist of getting up, making coffee and having a smoke. While I wait for the coffee to brew I usually watch SportsCenter to catch up on scores while I read the news on the web. This morning was a little different, for some reason instead of SportsCenter I decided to watch Good Morning America. Usually I don't pay too much attention to the show but this morning was different. I'm used to the show pushing all of the other shows on ABC, interviewing stars and trying to build up hype. The big show lately is Dancing with the Stars, never saw it almost watched it once just to see Warren Sapp dance. But I digress, back to the point. This morning they had a story about one of the professional dancers from Stars on there. Cheryl Burke it seems put on a couple of pounds during her summer break. And apparently some of my fellow bloggers decided this was perfect fuel for a post. The blogs called her fat, asked whether she was pregnant or just fat. I saw the pictures of Cheryl, not to put to fine a point on it but she's friggin hot. I saw the before pictures of what she looked like last season and the ones from now, she put on some weight but she is far from the whale the blogs make her out to be. This reminded me of the pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt, who is just about as smokin hot as you can get. The pictures of her in a bikini were all over the TV and the web. The picts looked like she had put a little weight on, not tons maybe five or six pounds. She got slammed, just like Cheryl. This got me thinking and maybe it's because I don't feel so good today but I'm gonna put this the only way I know how.

Honestly.

In a country, the USA, were an estimated 31% of the population, that's about 59 million people, are obese which is defined as being 30 or more pounds over healthy weight. And almost 65% are overweight, that's 10 to 30 pounds over a healthy weight. Odds are that some of those numbers are bloggers complaining and pointing fingers at these celebrities. Why is it that we as a country and society, think that these healthy and beautiful women are fat, yet there is absolutely nothing wrong with girls like Nicole Ritchie looking like an extra from a Feed the Children Commercial. Angelina Jolie, as boomin as she is, looks like a strong wind will knock her over or blow her into another county. Nobody says anything about that. Being too skinny is just as unhealthy as being overweight, actually worse in some cases. It probably has to do with the fact that as a whole, we like to revel in others misfortunes and point out the flaws of those not like us. And who is the most unlike us but clelebrities. We forget that these people are no different from the rest of us, they all sit down to shit and if they don't that would be news. They have the same problems as the rest of us weight, family problems, drug and alcohol dependencies and the rest of the issues that go along with being a human. But when one of these guys makes a mistake or has an issue, it's news. The web lights up, the TV shows go nuts and we respond like Pavlov's dogs, drooling at the sound of a bell. I wonder what would happen if for just a minute we showed some empathy to those in the limelight. What would happen if we showed as much compassion as we did in pointing a chubby little finger at those around us? What if we actually paid attention to the things that really mattered in the world like the environment, the economy, voting for elected officials that actually give a crap about us or how about just getting along with our fellow man? The world would probably be a better place but it is not likely to change. The paparazzi will continue to get rich for being scumbags but it's not their fault. It's simple economics, supply and demand. We demand the pictures and the dirt and they are just there to fill the supply. Remember before you peck away with your pudgy little fingers to post a comment about a celebrity with an issue, the odds are against you being a wafer thin supermodel. So keep an eye out for the fat fingers pointing back at you.

Cruising the web I happened across a bunch of videos from a European TV show. The show had contestants trying to break records to get into the Guiness Book of World Records. Most of the videos were of people doing athletic type stuff. One guy tried breaking the record for spinning a soccer ball on his foot. Another, tried to break the record for the most front side ollies on a skateboard, I don't know what it is, even after watching but it takes talent. There were videos of people building the biggest this and the biggest that, that takes talent. There were videos of the tallest woman and the smallest man, no talent involved but still interesting. I have to say though, the most interesting clips were the ones of people eating. Now they weren't eating dinner, not as you might think anyway. One guy tried setting the record for the most worms eaten in a minute. Another tried setting the record for most cochroaches eaten in a minute, his attempt went array when he yacked into his water glass about 20 seconds or so into his attempt. I was amazed and repulsed at the same time, I couldn't stop watching. All the time asking myself, what would make you think you could eat the most worms or roaches in a minute ? How do you find out you have that talent? Where these guys homeless and unemployeed, no money for food and forced to live of the land. No. Both looked like they held jobs and their families were all present. Although, there was one guy in the crowd that had a Miami Vice Tshirt on, seeing as the show has been off the air for almost twenty years, he may be homeless or just a dork, I don't know. Anyway, back to the eating, after watching that I went to Guiness site to check out the other eating records. I learned that people have definite problems. The ring leaders being the people at Guiness. Looking through the site, there are records for most books typed backwards (WTF, 64 by the way), the strangest diet (a man in France only eats metal, 2 lbs a day, eggs and bannanas make him sick. Go figure). One of my favorites, Heaviest Car Balanced on Head. How the hell do you learn you can balance a car on your head and why would you want to? I know you're curious, the car was a Mini, it weighed 352 lbs. How bout most weight lifted with an ear? This could come in handy for bringing in groceries or anytime your hands are full. This record is held by a guy from Pakistan, he lifted 136 lbs. attached to his ear lobe. Another personal favorite is Most Rattlesnakes in Mouth, yep not hand, not pants but mouth. The record is ten and they are held from the mouth by the tail and they are alive. Why? The list goes on and on and on. If you can think of it, there's probably a record for it. The only reason I can think of as to why people do these things is a simple one, everybody wants there fifteen minutes of fame. I say go for it. If you can do it then do it, you could be famous for a few minutes. Me, I'll just observe and make my comments.

So, Guiness is calling and they want to know what would you do for a record ?

This One Speaks For Itself

Posted by Hansgonsolo | 11:47 AM | 0 comments »

I swore I wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot pole. But after seeing that no one else has really touched it, I felt someone needed to bring some attention to it and who better than me. In a turn of the Karma screw, thirteen years to the day it appears O.J. Simpson will be spending the rest of his life in prison. After being acquitted of the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and Ron Goldman in 1995, Simpson has spent the past thirteen years flaunting the fact the legal system failed in his trial. Unaware of the cosmic cycle of what comes around goes around, Juice thought it would be a good idea to bring along some friends and a couple of guns to reclaim some of his memorabilia from a hotel room in Vegas. Memorabilia that was supposed to be sold to pay the 30 million dollar civil judgment against him in the wrongful death lawsuit he lost.

In closing arguments I think Simpsons lawyer summed it up best by saying "being stupid" is not a crime, he's right it's not. Murder, theft, armed robbery and kidnapping are and those are why OJ is going to be dodging tackles in the shower for the rest of his life. Even though he didn't kill anyone, this time, no one has forgotten the infamous trial thirteen years ago as I am sure the jury didn't. As much as they say they did not consider previous wrongs when deliberating the current case, a jury loaded with women out numbering men almost three to one, had to have it enter their minds even a little. Lets face it, there is no way justice was not going to be served this time. When you put a man who has a tendency to beat the women in his life, including his own daughter, in front of a jury of mostly women, he's going down no matter what the charges. The real problem is that Simpson will probably not spend the rest of his life in jail, probably only the next five or so. Before you get upset about that, remember he's 61, five years could be life and if there is a god and he/she is just, Old Juice will drop dead of a massive coronary before the five years is up. Here's hoping. If not, considering time already served and possible good behavior, he may not spend a long time in jail at all. That's right, he could be out pretty quick.

On the bright side, karma does work even if just a little. O.J is finally going to jail and for at least a little while will know what it feels like to be a battered woman. To all who think it's not right and he wasn't guilty thirteen years ago, get your heads out of your asses. To O.J,when you're in the shower better hold onto the soap like it was a football buddy otherwise somebody might sneak one up the middle.

To all of the idiots, morons, numskulls, chuckle heads and dumb asses in the world, Thank you. I mean that with all sincerity and heart felt love I can muster. You serve as an example to the rest of the world. You and your never ending run of ineptitude provide myself and the world with perfect examples of what can happen when your brain cell count drops below ten. You leave us laughing and wondering and provide endless discussion. If not for you, we would all be forced to confront the world as it is. We would pay too close attention to the our fear of being swallowed up by a man made black hole created by the super collider. We would hang on every bit of news about Tom Brady and his boo boo knee and how he is driving Jazel crazy by being home all of the time and asking her to pull his finger. Your entertainment value is incalculable, thank you. Not being the sharpest knives in the drawer you may ask, "I'm a dumb ass but how am I entertaining ?" Good question, I feel the best way to answer that is by presenting an example, so here you go...

The scene opens in MUKWONAGO, Wis, it's early Saturday. Our hero, after an evening of whip its and lighting farts, gathers his girl and begins his journey home. Before he can motor on his way, he realizes he doesn't have enough gas for the trip. Apparently leaving his wallet in his other pants along with his brain, he decides to do the only thing he can. He siphons gas from a near by SUV. While this in and of itself is not stupid nor dumb, it is illegal, but also not the problem. The problem, in this case, is boy wonders eyesight. After pilfering some gas from the SUV, he couldn't see how much gas was in the container he was using. Not wanting to overflow the petrol onto the ground he decided to shed some light on the subject. Using all of his mental acumen, flicked his bic and that's right, set his dumb ass on fire. The resulting blast of flame caused nearby neighbors to call the police and the man was arrested for theft and negligent use of burning materials. The woman was also nabbed for aiding in the theft.

There isn't much I can add to this story, except present a lesson most people already know. Gas fumes are flammable. As long as people continue to forget that, the rest of us will continue to revel in your self attained misfortune. Thank you so much for living at least as long as survival of the fittest will allow. Please keep swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. With things the way they are, we need to laugh.

The world, mainly the people in it never cease to amaze me. Not with their intelligence, not their generosity or humanity. Those are admirable and worth noting but unfortunately, I tend to notice the stupid and ridiculous. Never in my wildest imagination could I have ever foreseen such a thing as this being said and made public with so much pride.

PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, you know the guys who throw paint on old ladies wearing furs, have never ceased to amaze me. The basic idea behind the group is very sound and solid, be kind to animals, treat them as you would a person. I feel you, PETA. I love animals, especially when I can keep the sheep from moving too much. That's a story for another time though. Back to PETA, like I said most of their ideas are good, OK, a few of them but the principal behind it all is good. Occasionally, they do tend to go a little to far. The story that follows should prove my point and turn your stomach at the same time.

Earlier in the week, the fine minds at PETA sent a letter to Ben and Jerry. Yes, the two Vermont ice cream giants. What possible gripe could PETA have with Ben and Jerry you ask? Well, it seems PETA is concerned with the treatment of cows, more to the point the fact that a cow, like other mammals, only produces milk when it is pregnant and to keep up production they are forcefully impregnated every nine months. For me that is neither here nor there, I'm lactose intolerant, just the thought of milk makes me fart. As far as the cows go, all I see is a steak on a plate. Anyway, PETA sent a letter explaining how horrible this is for the cow then went on to explain how bad milk is for people. The referenced Dr.Spock, I have no idea what Star Trek has to do with this but the quoted our favorite Vulcan as saying that cows milk can cause anemia, allergies, and childhood diabetes. Apparently milk is also to blame for obesity and heart disease, fried food, smoking and no exercise have nothing to with it, it's milk. Now you know. PETA never ones to present a problem without also presenting a solution, included theirs in the letter. I know you're dying to find out, so here you go......

PETA's answer to the problem....breast milk. Not from the teats of cows but from the lactating mammaries of pregnant women. Not just add it as a flavor but replace it all together. Nice. In support of their solution they sited a a restaurant in Switzerland that has a menu of soups, stews, and sauces made with AT LEAST 75% breast milk. Yummy. Trying to influence Ben and Jerry they went on to point out that drinking breast milk is not strange but the fact that humans are the only ones who drink the milk of another animal is. Weird, but I had a cat that I used to give a bowl full of milk too, was the cat really a human ? Always though Cosmo Spacely, the cat, had too much personality to be an animal. Ben and Jerry, after they realized this was not a joke, threw up and gave PETA their best Capt. Barbosa. "We are disinclined to acquiesce to your request." That means no. No they didn't, but it would have been funny if they did. What they said was, "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child." To which PETA replied, our point exactly. Cows milk is for baby cows. I applaud PETA for their convictions and their strength of will to stand behind them. Having said that, I will also say no matter how strong your convictions, no matter how passionate your cause, you still need to think before you speak. First problem, you can not force people to change the way they do things just because you want them too, no matter how good your intentions. The harder you push the harder you will get pushed back. Second, has anybody at PETA ever been pregnant? Did they ever pump their breast milk? It's akin to getting blood from a stone, it takes about fifteen to twenty minutes to get eight ounces. On top of that, you can not pump more the second those ounces are out. It takes about three cups of milk to make a quart of ice cream, a cup is eight ounces. Do the math. That's a long time to make a quart, not including the cost. Who is gonna go through that for free? You can buy breastmilk for about 20 bucks for eight ounces, that would make a quart of ice cream about 60 dollars. Who's gonna buy it? Not only that, who the hell is gonna eat tit flavored ice cream ? I mean besides you guys. It's just not right. Although think of the flavors, Nipples or maybe even a root beer float called Mug of Jugs. Interesting, wonder if Ben and Jerry are hiring. I wish this was a joke and I wish it was the first time I heard this but alas it's neither. I first heard about using breast milk for cooking about nine years ago while I was watching the Food network, Sarah Malton used to have a show were she cooked and people would call in with questions. I remember it was pretty close to Thanksgiving and a lady called in inquiring as to whether she could make her holiday mashed potatoes with her extra breast milk. Sarah stopped for a second, apparently trying to figure out if what she heard was a joke then realizing it wasn't answered the question with a yes. I just sat their mouth agape and more than a little sick to my stomach. My ex wife, who was breast feeding our first daughter at the time sat next to me on the couch with a very evil smile as an apparent epiphany came to her. Needless to say, I didn't eat mashed potatoes or anything that could possibly contain milk for the next eight months.

I'm going to leave you to think about this one for a bit and should you think its a joke, please feel free to check out PETAS website . I'm gonna go throw up a little.

Side affects from Viagra got you worried? Don't want a headache when she finally doesn't have one? Don't want an upset belly when your bouncing on hers? Afraid of going blind while you're trying to go blind?

Well, Italian researchers at the University of Milan think they may have found the answer. The team began looking into alternatives and studying plants that reputedly boost sexual performance. They landed upon an ancient Chinese herbal remedy that has long held a firm reputation as an aphrodisiac. They believe they have synthesized a new molecule from the plant that may one day replace Viagra. The herb they found, Horny Goat Weed, yep this one was obviously well named, maybe the natural Viagra and someday replace it altogether. The side effects are less and apparently it works, how can a billion Chinese be wrong?
I'm just curious how it has taken so long to get around to looking at this plant. I mean, Damn, the word Horny is right in the name. How many books about herbs did the researchers have to go through before they thought, Hey maybe this one works? I'm not a scientist or researcher but it seems pretty obvious to me. It couldn't be more obvious if the plant was called Give Ya Boner. But like I said, I'm not a scientist, I would have never thought of looking to the most populous country in the world and thought "Hey maybe they know something we don't." I'm pretty sure you don't jack your population that high just cause there's nothing good on TV. Like I said I'm not a scientist, so good work Milan.

Well I could keep this up for hours, but I won't. The subject is just too soft and the jokes are going to start to get flaccid.

So all you ED sufferers don't be so hard on yourselves and just head over to your health food store and grab some Horny Goat Weed.


On a side note, upon hearing this news Obama and Mccain have both started planting large crops of Goat Weed to help in the coming erection.

The Death of Creativity

Posted by Hansgonsolo | 7:47 AM | , , , | 0 comments »

Creativity is dead, complacency is alive and well. I originally thought it was a figment of my imagination, maybe a flashback from some bad acid. Oh, if only it was. It started out innocently enough, I was looking for information on James Freys new novel, you know James Frey, produced a work of fiction, tried passing it off as truth, gave tons of people hope, got ripped a new one by Oprah and made millions. So, kiddies, remember the truth will set you free but lying like a sack of shit will make you rich. How this guy has a writing contract is beyond me but I digress. Back to my point, I was looking for info on the book and stumbled across something very disturbing, at least to me. Someone has decided it is a good idea to turn the book, American Psycho into a musical and yes it was a book before a movie. That's right, the hyper violent story about an 80's, Reagan era stockbroker with homicidal tendencies is going to be a musical. Now this by itself is not an issue, people make stupid decisions all of the time. This isn't just a simple bad decision, it's a sign. Maybe not a sign of the apocalypse, maybe just a sign of society as a whole. How can I say that? you ask. It's an isolated incident, right? you say. Oh contraire. I present to you the following. Coming soon to a Broadway stage then dinner theatre near you are Addams Family ( The Musical) they're creepy and they're kooky and a Cousin It has rhythm. Catch Me If You Can ( The Musical) cause forgery just screams sing along. Houdini (The Musical) even magicians need to sing. Finally, the one I can't wait until tickets go on sale for is, wait for it.........

Bruce Lee: Journey to the West ( The Musical).

That's right world, finally a martial arts musical. Might as well cancel Tony award voting now, Bruce is gonna take em all. Yeah but that's just a few musicals, that's Broadway, at least there's the silver screen. Really? In the coming year we have, GI Joe The Movie, which looks absolutely and completely nothing like the cartoon which should go over well with fans. The only real star in the cast is Dennis Quaid and if he wanted to torture himself should have just stopped acting and stayed married to Meg Ryan. We also have the A-Team movie another popular 80's TV show destined to go over like a fart in church. I Dream of Jeanie is due to make a grab for your dollars in the coming year. That great drama about a rich Texas oil family, no not the Presidency, Dallas is due for a comeback shortly. The Jetsons will be making a trip to the big screen as live action shortly,after all it worked so well for the Flintstones and Scooby Doo. How bout television? Surely, that can't be as bad. Really ? Currently there are thirty versions of Law and Order floating around, followed by the 28 versions of CSI, which will never be any good until there is a CSI:Hoboken. Every five seconds there is a reality show on somewhere. You can watch anything from morons stranding themselves on deserted islands to people looking to be super heroes (good idea Stan Lee, I used to think you were a genius). You can watch a show about tattoo artist or watch people construct the largest Oreck Vaccum cleaner for a Guinness Record. You're taste run to sitcoms, relax we have thirty seven versions of the same thing on every channel. Marriage and the differences between men and women never grows old especially when it's done over and over and over and over again. Lets not forget raising kids, that hasn't gotten old since the Beaver first made his small screen debut. Lets not forget the recent influx of Japanese game shows make their way west, just because something is popular over there doesn't make it good. Remember they have one of the highest rates of alcoholism in the world, and take it from me an active alcoholic isn't the best judge of anything let alone entertainment.
At first, I was going to blame Hollywood, Broadway and television. Then I realized it's not their fault. It's ours. We are the ones who keep falling for the same old crap. We pay to be nostalgic and watch bad movies based on old TV shows. We settle for more of the same because we are used to it. We accept what is given to us because we have forgotten how to call for what we want. When we were babies, we cried when we were hungry. Cried when we had a load in our diapers. As we got older, we forgot how to say what we want and just take what we are given. With the price of the average Broadway show ticket being over $100 bucks and a trip to the movies forcing you to leverage a second mortgage, people need to speak up. It's your money, you work hard for it, why waste it ? You wouldn't take your paycheck and set it on fire would you? So why waste your hard earned money on such indigestible pablum? It all hasn't been done before. The well is not dry. There are billions of people in the world, that's billions of ideas and perspectives. Yet nothing changes. More of the same, if it worked before it will work again and we'll pay for it again and we'll eat it up with a spoon. Then complain about the bad taste left in our mouths. Until we stop settling for more of the same and being treated like we all have lobotomies, we'll continue to get what we deserve.
I'll see you at the premiere of the Bruce Lee Musical. And Remember....

If you give enough monkeys enough typewriters eventually they will write a Shakespearean play and we'll watch it.

The presidential election is right around the corner. The voters last bad decision is on his way out and over the next four years we will find out if our decision making process has gotten any better. Gazing into my crystal ball and looking ahead, I would have to say not a friggin chance. The economy is in shambles. The price of a barrel of oil continues to climb. The housing market is totaled. The job market is sparse. In the past week, three major lending institutions have gone tits up and everyone blames the president. He’s the leader it must be his fault. Wrong. Anyone who has ever taken a civics class or American history class can tell you that the president really has no power as far as laws and the economy. The only real power he has is the power of veto. If congress or the senate try to pass a law, for example, and he doesn’t agree, he vetoes it and it goes back until he gives it a passing grade. Just like a teacher handing down grades on a term paper. On the campaign trail, candidates take the role of the horny guy at the bar and we, the constituents, are the hot chick. They will say anything, make promises they can not keep in order to get into our pants. Then, when they get elected and we are married to our choice and things don’t turn out the way we thought, we want a divorce. Just like any bad marriage, there are underlying causes for the trouble and if you go to a therapist for counseling you’ll find them. The problem with our political situation does not come from the president. His role is really no different than a queen or king, he is for all intents and purposes a figure head. Example, the power in England comes from Parliament, not the queen. She is simply there. She meets and greets other foreign heads of state and queens, that’s it. In the US, the power resides in the senate and congress, not the president. That is how the constitution is setup no one man has total power. Good idea, by brilliant men but poor execution. The people of this country , myself included, cry for a change and then every four years are surprised when one doesn’t show up. This has nothing to do with the president, it has to do with us as a country. The country shows up to vote in the biggest popularity contest in the world, but no change or improvement comes. Why? Why every four years do we get more of the same? How many of you know the average age of senators and congressman? For the uninformed the average age of a senator is 61.7, the average age of a house member is 57. As examples, Ralph Hall (R-TX) was born in 1923, Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) was born in 1917. Both of these men are closing in on the century mark, in any other job they would have been forced to retire. Not in the senate and congress. As long as you have a pulse you can keep your job as long as you get re-elected. The age required to be a senator is 30 and a member of the house is 25. If that is the case why is the average age for both double? Because, we as a country are complacent when it comes to these elections, we don’t pay attention. We vote for the familiar name and that’s the end of it. Then the presidential election comes around everyone is up in arms about the preceding president and why there is no change. There is no change because there is no change in the governing body itself. In order to facilitate change you must first address the problem. The problem in this case is there is never a change. The solution, we, the voters, have to make the change. We have to change the senate, change the house. Most of those elected there have been there for so long they are completely out of touch with what is going on. Some are so old they probably can not control their bladders any more. Just because someone is old does not make them right or smart. It could simply mean they are old. They don’t deal with the things that face a younger America, they have no idea. I wouldn’t ask my 92 year old grandmother to load my Itunes and neither would you. Then why do we have people the same age making decisions about things they can not understand. Things have changed, times have changed but the same people are in congress and senate since WWII. If a change is required and it is, new officials need to be elected. Younger officials, people in touch with what is really going on. People with new ideas, people with passion. The way things have been and the way they are now, there is no passion and there are no new ideas. Therefore, no change only more of the same. So while you are voting for the next overpaid Wal-Mart greeter to lead this country and no change comes, remember…..

You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s still a pig.

Results just released Tuesday from a survey done by the Pew Internet & American Life Project says 97 percent of American kids play video games. The survey was done over the phone over a four month period and was comprised of roughly 1100 kids ages 12 to 17. This only goes to show how important and big a part of our culture games are and also falls into the no shit category of useless information. If you have ever been logged into XBox live or World of Warcraft, you know exactly how many people play games. It's not just kids and it's not just guys playing. The girls and lady's play as well, although they don't usually play the same games. The guys tend to steer towards the first person shooters and sports games, while the girls lean toward the less violent games. While not playing the same games, girls and guys almost all play something. As a side note, I have to say some of the toughest competitors I have played are the female combatants on XBOX Live. Anyway, how this survey is news is way beyond me. Maybe because it's a subject I'm fairly familiar with but I already knew this and so did most of the planet.

The survey also showed that kids get together to play, in the same room not just online. They socialize, talk and frag. It's really no different than when their parents were older and they would go to the playground, hang out, play games and talk smack. The guys would play baseball or basketball, as well as some of the girls and most of the girls would play hopscotch or jump rope, as well as some of the guys. Video games are no different, only the playground has moved and gotten a hell of alot bigger. Then you only had the kids in the neighborhood, now you have the world. Thanks to the Internet and online play, you don't need to be in the same room with someone to beat them. You simply log in and you have thousands of other players to compete with in co op play or against. The games help kids and adults learn how to play as a team and be part of a group. Take away the violence of some of the games and that's what you have. If players do not cooperate, they will lose. Players also have a better crop of competitors online, you can set games against people as bad or good as you, worse or even better to help improve your game. The online services allow for texting, emailing and voice communication between players and members helping to further build the community. By the way, the voice option is the best for the simple fact nothing is better than listening to the groans and moans of the defeated and fallen.

Parents and educators, if you are shocked and agasp at the results of the survey, if you think something should be done about the amount of time kids play games think about this. Almost all of the games contain puzzles of some kind or another. The puzzles all need to be solved before you can go any further in the game. In order to solve the puzzles you have to think. Basically, your kids and the other kids playing the games are learning while they play, the part that you should be happy about is they don't realize it. They don't realize they are building up problem solving skills, math skills and more that will help them not only in the digital world but the real world as well. Not only that, but through being online they build their social skills and learn proper etiquette or netiquette as the case maybe. There are certain things you do not do online and this transfers into the real world as well, somethings are just not acceptable in both. Communities and friendships are built around the world, cultures of all kinds are brought together under one simple ideal, to have fun. Racial, ethnic and religious beliefs have no place in the game world, everyone is more or less equal. Just imagine if the rest of the world followed that example.

So parents, in the immortal words of Pink Floyd, "Leave those Kids Alone". And kids and gamers I'll see you online.

In 1993, us gamers got our first glimpse at what hollywood thought of us and it was a punch right in the man business. Buena Vista Pictures along with video game giant, Nintendo, released Super Mario Brothers (The Movie). Nintendo had unleashed the video game upon an unsuspecting world almost ten years earlier and it took the world by storm. Countless hours, days and months were given up trying to save Princess Toadstool and the mushroom kingdom from the evil clutches of Bowser and his legions of Koopas and Goombas. The game changed the way we as a planet view recreational options as a whole, gamin now took precedent over playing outside. Hollywood smelled blood, thinking of the huge cash win fall, they launched the Mario Brothers onto the silver screen. It seemed like a no brainer, but there are many a slip twixt a cup and a lip. Widely panned by critics and hated by gamers, the movie bombed. The reasons for it's failure were many and varied. Not the least of which was the many deviations from the game and the movies dark tone.

Hollywood, determined to get something out of the gamers, followed up that fiasco with Double Dragon, based on the side scrolling beat em up. The game introduced co-op play allowing to players to fight side by side as twin brothers, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Like Mario and Luigi before them the game was a huge success and the movie a dud. Still undeterred, Hollywood would take another crack at gamers with Street Fighter the Movie. Street Fighter, the game, was the first fighting game produced by the now legendary company, Capcom. It introduced the six button configuration that is now considered standard in games. Hollywood,in an effort to try insure a profit, secured the talent (HAHAHA) of Jean Claude Van Damme. The muscles from Brussels couldn't help Street Fighter and it sank faster than the titanic. The real tragedy of Street Fighter was not the poor execution but the fact that it was Raul Julias last film before he died.

Never ones to be deterred, Hollywood decided to give it one more shot. This time it took the hugely popular fighting game Mortal Kombat for a spin. Mortal Kombat, the game, was brought about as an answer to the Street Fighter franchise. MK used digitized actors and loads of graphic violence to create a massive controversy and outcry from parents. The gamers loved it and the game flew off store shelves and gobbled millions in quarters at the arcade. A movie was a given. Starring mostly unknowns and unheard ofs, Cameron Diaz got hurt during production and was replaced, Mortal Kombat was primarily a success. It even garnered a thumbs up from Gene Siskel. The reason for it's success was due to the fact the movie did not deviate from the game, it stayed true and gamers showed their appreciation. A less successful sequel was to follow. That was 1995. In the next five years only one other movie based on a video game would be released, the wholly horrible and indigestible Wing Commander in 1999. For a while, it seemed as if Hollywood had given up. The gamers made their voices heard, they weren't going to put up with the poor adaptations anymore. " Don't give us anything, if you can't make it good." they shouted from their couches.

In 2001, Hollywood listened and Lara Croft was brought to life in Tomb Raider. Tomb Raider the widely popular pc and console game revolved around the main character Lara Croft, an archaeologist and adventurer in search of ancient artifacts. Think Indiana Jones, but with really big boobs. The game was a huge critical and financial success and Hollywood jumped on it. Times and technology had changed since Mario and Luigi and this made the difference between Lady Croft and her predecessors. Games were now more story driven, they had plot lines, dramatic arcs and character development much like a novel. An interactive novel where the hero succeeds or fails based on player actions but a novel non the less. Graphics engines now allowed for shading, smoother edges and more colors making objects and characters seem more real. Gone were the days of stick figures and polygons. The job of bringing the game to life was made easier, moving from film was more like creating a sequel rather than building from scratch. All that needed be done was create a good story and replace animation with live actors. That is exactly what they did. The story was new yet familiar, an extension of the game. The choice to play Lara was almost a given, Hollywood already had a star making a name for herself, Angelina Jolie, who looked uncannily like her curvy game doppelganger. The movie hit theaters on June 15, 2001 and grossed 48.2 million its opening weekend and 300 million over all. A sequel was soon to follow and a genre was born.

In the following years, several games were adapted for the theater. Resident Evil came to life as a moderate success and progressively got worse through two sequels. The first person shooter Doom, crashed and burned despite a pretty neat first person sequence at the end and the star power of wrestler turned actor The Rock. Then there is the mounting crap fest from director Uwe Boll. Uwe has directed and/or produced a total of eight (8) movies based on videogames, one worse than the one before it. So bad in fact, I refuse to mention any here, if you are so inclined feel free to look them up on IMDB.COM and rent away. Just remember, I warned you. Uwe has even gone so far as to challenge his critics to put up or shut up and face him in the boxing ring for ten rounds. That should be an indication for you as to how bad his movies are.

Now, to Max Payne.



A third person shooter, you play as the protagonist Max Payne. The story begins with Max returning home one night to find his house filled with junkies and his wife and newborn daughter murdered. Shortly following the funeral, Max goes undercover for the DEA. Max is then framed for murder and all hell brakes loose as he tries to clear his name and find those responsible for his wife and daughters deaths. The game is very cinematic in its telling and play, borrowing much from the acclaimed Hong Kong director John Woo. The action is almost balletic and beautiful. The story deeply engrossing with its plot twists and character development. It has been there waiting patiently for the screen and Hollywood has finally found it. What they do with it is a different story. The film set to open October 17, stars Mark Wahlberg, Beau Bridges and Mila Kunis. Wahlberg, who I have to admit, has been a hit with me since giving up the Funky Bunch for acting, does look a little like the video game character he portrays and he has the star power to carry the movie, but is that enough ? The script was penned by Beau Thorne, his first and apparently only script. The story is there already, hopefully Thorne just lets it breath alittle. The helm is being taken by John Moore, whose films include two remakes, The Omen and The Flight of the Phoenix both of which so bad anyone who saw them should have their memories erased and the palpable Behind Enemy Lines. Hopefully, Moore can catch the intensity and pace of Behind Enemy Lines again and transfer it and more to Max. From his past efforts, all appearances suggest he is capable of delivering a good film if he has the right material to work with and he should have it here as long as Thorne doesn't get to creative.

Will it work or will it fail ? I don't know. What I do know is that I can not handle one more bad video game movie. In the early days it was almost excusable, there really was no material to go on. Now, with the writing that is put into games, there is no excuse. It should be easy, but then again so should the translation of book to film but that doesn't always work, take The Davinci Code for one. Phenomenal book, horrible movie.

Will Max Payne join Lady Croft at the top or Uwe at the bottom ? I guess we'll find out in October.

Hey Kids Play That Cool SAT Game Yet?

Posted by Hansgonsolo | 7:45 AM | 0 comments »

That’s right kiddies, there is finally something to free you from those long hours of boredom playing Madden 09 or leveling your Druid in Warcraft. Who needs that when you can get ready for the SATs by playing Aspyr Media Inc.'s "futureU" PC game or Ubisofts “ My SAT Coach” on your DS. That’s right for thirty bucks you and your friends can spend countless hours taking over 2000 practice questions and two whole full test. So bust out the Mountain Dew, a little herb and settle in for hours of fun. Just think of the smack you can talk while playing online when your boy doesn’t know the root designation of the word macrobiotic. Dude, you will totally pwn him.

Seriously, what are these companies thinking? Yes SAT scores are at their lowest levels in years and yes, standardized testing scores of all kinds are down across the board. This is not the answer. Sure, Aspyr and their partner Kaplan, Inc along with fellow competitors Ubisoft and their partner Princeton Review Inc. mean well, sort of. This idea is not aimed at getting the kids smarter or more prepared, it’s aimed at sales. The companies see that kids are spending most of their time either playing video games or on social networking sites like Myspace and Facebook, so naturally they figured to throw their hats into the ring. Sales will go up, the companies will make money. Parents will buy this for their kids simply because parents are out of touch with said youngsters. The parents will buy it, give it to the kid and it will collect dust until it gets tossed in the trash. Mom and Dad are out $30 and the kid is no better off than he is still on his way to community college instead of Harvard.

The basic idea behind this whole fiasco is a solid one. Make the kids smarter and more prepared and they will get into a better college where they can binge drink every weekend and have unsafe sex with strangers thus preparing them for the real world. Kaplans Kristen Campbell is quoted as saying it “makes sense to take our curriculum and deliver it in a fun way,". Trying to make something kids do not want to do in the first place hip or cool is not the way to do it. Let me tell you kids and people in general, play games because they are fun and an escape, at least that’s why I play. . They play because for a couple of hours they can be somebody else, they can be Tom Brady or a level 70 night elf or an assassin destroying to Templar hold on ancient Jerusalem. They don’t play to be educated, that’s not fun or an escape, that’s work. They don’t play so they can have a partially customized stick figure and learn the definitions of words like symbiosis by splitting it into it’s roots. Apparently these companies are using the field of dreams theory with this one, if they build it the kids will play. Just because you're kid plays video games does not mean they will play this, I play own golf clubs but I'm not on the PGA.

Good idea, sound principle but bad execution. Thinking kids will give up their favorite games to learn just goes to show how out of touch society as a whole is with their youth. If you want to improve the minds of our youth why not try this novel approach, motivate them. It works in companies, the more people are rewarded, the more they are recognized the better their productivity and the higher the bottom line for the employer. Try the same thing with the kids and see what happens. Try spending a little more time with them, get to know them, how’s that for an outside the boxer? Teachers, I know it’s hard but Think. Try to find ways to make learning fun and interesting, stop reading straight from the text book and use your mind for other things besides figuring out how long before you get tenured.

To the companies involved with this brilliant idea and the parents who will buy this disaster, maybe you can use the games to find out the root definition of DUMBASS.

basis for post HERE

Well, honestly I thought it would take me a little longer to find something worth flushing but it only took mere seconds. Upon a quick look through the news on yahoo, I found a piffle gem.

It appears a man in Texas rolled into a local seven eleven, brandishing a baseball bat and knife he proceeded to beat the piss out of the register until it popped open. He then proceeded to grab up ten (10) boxes of condoms and an unspecified energy drink and left the convenience store. That's right our hero left the money and by the way when I said he rolled into the store, that wasn't a cool turn of phrase, he was in a wheelchair.

One can only assume that our friend in the wheelchair must have one hell of a sex life, ten boxes of rubbers, damn 90% would dry rot before I got to use them, but that's a story for another time. Given the fact he left the money and obviously is wading in the shallow end of the gene pool, it's good our boy uses the rubbers at least that way we can be assured of him not spreading his seed into the world and multiplying. The theft of the energy drink is obviously linked to the need for ten boxes of condoms, maybe somebody should explain to him the benefits of gatorade. The biggest factor in making this piffle and flush worthy is the fact that nowhere in the story does it say the man was caught. I'm totally amazed by this fact. Seriously, nothing against people in wheelchairs but how the hell hard could it be to catch someone rolling away ? Whats he got like a ten mile an hour top speed ? Even if he goes all out I can't imagine he could go to long before his arms got tired. I saw the movie Murderball, awesome, the sports tough and those guys are tough and I doubt I could catch one of them, but a guy in a wheelchair loaded down with ten boxes of trojans isn't an athlete. Another question that comes to mind is how did he not get disarmed? It's not like he had a gun, he had a bat and a knife. Why didn't the clerk just walk over to the guy, tip him over and take his chair and that would be it. The clerk is apparently no brighter than our thief and deserves to be flushed alongside him.

Due to the ineptitude of the clerk and the utter stupidity of the thief, this story gets 8 pieces of corn stuck in it out of ten.

You can read the full article HERE .