The Economy and Me

Posted by Hansgonsolo | 5:58 AM | , , , , | 0 comments »

Earlier in the week, Monday and Tuesday to be exact, I spent most of my day watching the stock market on TV. Up until Monday, I thought Ron Paulson was the dry witted comedian from Laugh In. Now I know he's the dry witted comedian in charge of the US economy. I watched as the market went up, then down, then up, then down. Holding a bucket in front of me in case of emergency due to the motion sickness I was feeling, I watched in horror and fear. My heartbeat quickened, my hands began to sweat. Somewhere during the afternoon on Tuesday, my phone rang. Fear kept me frozen to the couch. I felt like Joaquin Phoenix watching the alien invasion in Signs. "Andale children, move, move" I shouted at the TV, ignoring the phone, as I watched the brokers panic around the market floor. The phone rang and rang, the once cool,now annoying, voice caller id feature announced that a company I had no idea of was calling. I ignored it, transfixed on what was happening on Wall St. The answering machine picked up and a womans voice spoke. Suddenly, my attention turned from the economy to the answering machine. I turned the volume down on the TV to better hear the answering machine. The voice was delicate, soft and sweet. Quite sexy and attractive actually. A little turned on, I listened intently as she offered to help pay down my high interest credit card bills. It was at that moment a beam of light shown through the window onto me, I was filled with a revelation.

I didn't need to be afraid, there was no reason for fear.

It was simple and I should have realized it sooner, I'm dead ass flat broke. I have no money invested in the stock market. At one time I did, but that was a 401k from a previous job and I lost that in my divorce. It's a daily struggle to keep my bank account from bouncing like a super ball. If it wasn't for Coinstar and loose change in my couch cushions I wouldn't be able to afford cigarettes. I have to use Coinstar because the uppity cashiers at the bank won't let me cash in my change anymore, something about coins caked with Dorito dust, lint and bubble gum. Bitches!. I don't own a home, I rent an apartment smaller than a good sized walk in closet and smells like an old shoe (that's probably the banks fault, I had to fire the maid to offset the cost of gas to drive to the Coinstar). I could write a cookbook of nothing but recipes for ramen noodles, theres ramen gumbo, ramen creole, ramen ettoufe, grilled ramen and fried ramen. You can come work for me Lieutenant Dan, when this is over I'm gonna get a Ramen boat, Bubba told me everything he know about catching ramen. Where was I? I have creditors calling me saying if the bills aren't paid that they will put negative information on my credit report. This one always amuses me, I can only imagine how much stuff is stapled onto the bottom of that report. Bankruptcy was an option. Right up until I found out it cost over a grand to go tits up. Which is funny, it takes me three days to scrounge enough money for smokes, it would take me over a year to scavenge the money to go bankrupt. Now this probably sounds bad and you might think I'm complaining and you may or may not feel bad for me. Don't cry for me Argentina. See I realized, that finally for once being completely and totally irresponsible has finally paid off. I don't own an inflatable mortgage I can't pay. I don't have tons of credit card debt, I do but you can't get blood from a stone. I don't have a $400 a month car payment. Basically, I have nothing to lose. I'm broke. I'm dirt poor. If the economy continues to crash it has no effect on me. You can get richer but it's hard to get poorer. Besides, the economic stimulus package is on schedule to clear everything up by the year 2019, so I have that going for me.
So if you are broke and poor like me, enjoy it. Roll around in it and rub it all over you.
Thank god for irresponsibility.